I WANT THE EARTH TO OPEN UP AND TAKE ME

Cant believe that I have hit an all time low today, I want my mum and my baby..the two things that are not here on this earth I want..I want my babies, I need their cuddles and their love.  I want to cry but cant, its like im on the brink of a melt down and I dont know when its goin to get here.  Need to reach out.

UNINSPIRED BY MY BLOG DESIGN

I want to write all the time but I really dislike the look of my blog, I want to be able to get to my darlings page easily so I can update it all the time on my thoughts for her.  I just feel that I am leaving out the vital thoughts that take me closer to her.  Am considering having Franchesca from Little Bird Studio's design my blog which will include Soul Print and A Name Honored so I can get there in one click and have all my blogs looking professional and the way I love them.

THROAT WITH LUMPS

I find it easy consoling the pain of others, but when it comes to my own pain I am at a loss and feel alone.  I have flash back moments of the first time I bathed our baby and its evident in the photo's I have of her.  They way her body is evidently lifeless, the way her arms are draped at her sides, the way her legs are and it occurred to me how heartbreaking this photo is. I happened across ab photo similar belonging to an Angel family in New Zealand and I bare witness to the exact same image like that of our Vikki-Ann.  I felt for them with every inch of my soul, my eyes filled with tears and I was taken back, feeling their grief as I too had felt their grief.  I needed to focus my grief elsewhere so as not to let it engulf me or I would have been destined for despair again.  Ive got a stupid sore finger that has worked wonders in diverting any sadness and so far its working.  Touch wood. 

I WANT MY STUDIO

Im itching to have my studio alive and kicking, I have so much contained in my mind that its frustrating me that I feel so held back.  Its like I want more than anything to share my love with the ones that matter and the ones that need it.  Something please drop from the sky and lead me in the right direction

WORLD FILLED WITH FOOLS

Who in their right mind tells an Angel mum the loss of their angel was their fault.  What a crock of crap, where did they find their degree.  Certainly not the weetbix box because weetbix have better sense than that.  lets hope they never have to face that brick wall in their miserable life and lets hope that no-one ever tells them it was their fault.

Anger spot number two:  I replyed to a question that asked if Maori language should be made compulsory in schools and naturally I said yes.  Why? because Im Maori and its the indigenous language of the country so why shouldnt it be.  Ill tell you who, the nit wits that replied no it shouldnt be.  Well IMO you can get fucked, because before you come along thats all there was and we were forced into an education system that no only failed many but failed to identify some key learning strategies applicable to us.  Raaarrrrr!! 

UNTITLED POST

Its so difficult understanding how a parent feels when one day they are holding their precious babies and then the next they have grown their angel wings.  I can only comprehend the loss of a child the way I have these past two years.  If tears could make a path to heaven, I would cry a million more just to see you.

PLAYING CAT AND MOUSE

So today I decided to take the plunge and call the cell phone number of my ex husband and it rung, he answered and he didnt know who I was, so I had to remind him.  He hung up not once but twice the coward.  Then this afternoon he calls my house phone asking me what I wanted.  I took pleasure in reminding him that he has no right denying me the opportunity to talk to my kids and I didnt care.  I could tell by his voice that he was scared, if I was him i would be too.  He's gotten away with it for so long and now that I have him in my sights Im not going to back down, not one bit.  Ive contacted and spoken to a lawyer who has been very helpful and once I have the information I need and the deposit to pay her, i am going the full hog.  First i want access to my kids and then after that I want to have them here for holidays and there is nothing he can do about it.  Im not angry anymore, Im determined to see this through and Im determined that he is going to allow a right.  I just hope for my childrens sake that it doesnt get personal, messy and dirty.  if thats the approach that he is going to take then so be it, I will make no hesitations in pulling out all the stops.

SOMETHING IS HOLDING ME BACK

I cant believe I just spent a good part of my past two days trying to sort out my stupid iPhone and its connectivity to WIFI and Ive just realized that it has purposely held me back and dominated my thought processes which have meant to be for something important.  Other things that will help me in the long run.  Annoyed at myself right now.  Its not that I need it, I mean I do use my laptop 100% of the time so why I even bothered to let it get to me..I have no idea.  Its that subconscious thing making me give in and distracting me from the important things that are going to implement my 3 month plan.  Time is getting on and I need to make clear productive decisions from now on.  Amen.

Okay so yesterday I called Inland Revenue to check what the status on my owing Child Support was apparently nothing.  Im of the opinion that I do as surely he (the ex) is collecting some kind of assistance in raising my babies in New Zealand.  Is it that he hasnt or that she got it wrong.  Either way, I wanted to make sure that my financial obligations to my children are met.

A BEE IN MY BONNET

I have a bee in my bonnet with Angel Baby groups right now.  The amount of sites that I have personally listed my darlings name and angelversary on without them even acknowledging her in anyway.  How is that? You support and like for reasons that make you feel good about getting awareness out there and yet it seems pointless because no-one has even bothered to remember.  They get you to like in full force and with the numbers comes the downfall of not even being remembered.  So today is culling day, you stuffed up groups and for that I will take my babies name and angel date with my like.

MOVING THAT FEW STEPS FORWARD

Ive put what I need to in motion and now I have to make my 3 month plan work if I want changes to happen.  Made some pretty intense phone calls yesterday and put some good agreements in place to see me out of a rut in the long term.  For the time being its the living situation thats making me the most sad.  Im loving my darling more and he's feeling it in our relationship.  I still do have my moments but I think I snapped last night.  I went off about the state of our kitchen and the fact there were dishes.  I dont think a person has the gall to do nothing all day but make dishes.  Where's the consideration for other people there?  Well in this situation there isnt any.  Those stupid dishes sat there all day and I refused to wash them, only to find at 9:00 at night, they were still there and my darling who works hard all day needs to eat, so yes I ended up having to do them.  I dislike people who are not considerate, because inconsideration begets inconsideration and I wont be party to people who like the look of filth in the kitchen.  Figures why we now have cockroaches and ants.  In order to gain a persons trust and respect, at least make sure you earn it first.  I could go on and on about one of house mates for a long time about the things I dislike, but its pushing us further and further into moving and thats a good thing.  So keep up the filthy antics I say, because in the long run you will be left with rent money to find each week and food for your children.  Change is good.

NEW DAY NEW THOUGHTS

i love that i get to write on here and really it just helps get it out there I spose.  No one to judge, frown, interrupt, ask questions, stop me, distract me or annoy me so I get to blurt it out and then move on.  Will re-read all of my posts another day and wonder what the heck I was thinking at the time.  Im thinking of sponsorship money for a league team and right now I really dont want the responsibility of dealing with it.  I want so much but I can only do so much.  Arghh I want to drive somewhere and curl into a ball and say fuck you world fuck you.

FEELING DOWN

Its another one of them nights when I cant switch my mind off, also there's a big thing on my mind.  It was brought up in conversation that I left my son while I was at the pub.  How much of a kick in the stomach is that and for some reason I remember the exact night it was meant to have happened.  I moved our car from a nearby carpark to the front of the unit and in that time our flatmates had come home and seen my son asleep on my bed alone with the tv going.  The next morning our flatmate came into the room and told us to never leave him home by himself again.  I was shocked at the thought that he thought that and now at the fact it has been out out there for the world to know.  I feel guilty because maybe I was wrong to move the car? I dont know but its playing on my mind and Im angry that it was taken out of context and that its being discussed.  Especially since my son isnt here with me and especially since no one has the right to discuss him if they dont know my son or me.

3 MONTH PLAN

Ive decided for myself that 3 Months is my time line to start to accomplish the following things.  

One: Clear what debt is owing to start off on a clear slate 

Two: Find a new rental and move from where I am

Three: Be in a new job

Four: Have lost at least 20kg

Five: Have a family photo with my Angel included

So when these next three months are up, thats when I will be kicking into over drive and accomplishing some pretty amazing things in my life.  It will be the stepping stone to me achieving the things that I want in life and all after I have come to completion with myself.  Only until then can I begin to start anything new or even overcome some of the obstacles that I have put in front of myself.  I cant wait to document my progress and I cant wait to get to the other side.  If I can accomplish any of my goals sooner then that means I get to kick start things much sooner and that has to be a great thing.  Loving life right now and I cant wait to tell my darling.

TRYING TO SWITCH OFF AN OVERACTIVE MIND

Its always been hard for me to switch off my mind when I really need the sleep and the dreams to get my mind thinking creatively again.  Too many thought processes are affecting the way I go about my daily life.  The dreams I end up having are not the dreams I want to have, but are all the same pleasant.  I look in the mirror and have slowly watched a part of me slipping away and its almost at a point where I cant get a grasp of it again.  Im surrounded by people who not only chew up my creative reserves, but remind me of the reason why I want to leave and never look back.  While some will say they could never walk away, Im almost at the point where I could do just that.  Im not motivated at all with the living situation and it shows.  I dont take care of myself anymore and a part of me doesnt care anymore.  If I could find the switch to turn off the anger I would switch it in a heart beat.  Does that mean I let everyone walk all over me and use me like a doormat? Im not sure, but its possible for it to happen.  Help

FINDING INSPIRATION

Lullaby Words has been found.  I am now going to go into production making lullaby words for families.  These are for birthdays, christenings, weddings, name honors and anything that someone would want to buy.  I am deciding on what I want them to look like and where my market will be.

CHANGE IS NEAR

Nothing tames the spirit more than writing the words that sing to your heart.  Expressing in such a way that empowers someone else and helps another in need on their journey, no matter what it is they are facing.  Today was one of them days where I felt exhausted and really didnt want to do a damn thing.  I felt I owed it to myself to take a step back and rest, relax and just be with my own thoughts for a change.  Thinking about the changes I want to make and the changes that I feel need to happen in my life to take me to the next step in healing and in being back to my usual.  Words are all I have.  Lullaby words that will hopefully soothe the soul.  I inherited a sixth sense that I believe comes from both of my parents.  My mum was highly tuned in with her intuition and I think in a way I too have inherited the same from her.  Dad on the other hand has insight into those on the other side.  There have been times when Ive felt the presence of people, children, spirits, things and while some have been welcoming and non threatening, I am very conscious of just how far I can go.  I think or I know that Im destined to write books or write.  Books about words that are both whimsical and heart warming to do with many situations in life.  Something about babies and the way newborns make a person feel.  Im unsure how to do this but I will make it happen.

FEEL LIKE IM HIDING AWAY

For some reason the song come up in my head when I thought of it. I feel like Im hiding away from everyone, in not wanting to be confronted on the topics that make me feel uneasy about my self and my life. I read my last post and have moved on considerably since then thank goodness. Yet I still feel Im not being my true self or that I myself am not being true to myself in what I want to achieve in life. I think it was pretty premature of me to think that I could even contemplate having another baby just yet. It feels right in my heart because I yearn for my Ruby Girl, but then its not fair to conceal pain with joy just yet. I feel my healing process needs to be extended beyond a few years to even another year, just to be clear with myself that this is right. I want more than anything to marry the man I love so dearly, but I feel alienated from the me that created brilliant magic with words, art, fashion and nature that I dont really know that person anymore. How do you get that back, how do you in a sense step backwards 5 or so years and pick up where you left off? Still need that answer, still need the inspiration I guess. I feel I need a studio again, where my creative flair can once again be uplifted. I ideally need my own surroundings where I can be inspired by the way I decorate my house and place a piece of artwork in it. Where I have a place to show the world my wonderful tributes to our Vikki-Ann. I messed up one opportunity to do that and I cant gain that back yet. My confidence in my abilities has taken a downward spiral in a matter of years and Im slowly suffocating under the pressure of lies upon lies upon lies that is my life. I miss my three babies in New Zealand, despite their ages they are still my babies and I want them here with me. I feel once they are, one part of my life can have that closure of the guilt I feel in not being there for them. Not trying my hardest to find them and letting a man get away with having them and keeping them from me. Reflect it in artwork I think, allow my self to feel via a pen, pencil, words. Something that can help me in the long run.