FEEL LIKE IM HIDING AWAY

For some reason the song come up in my head when I thought of it. I feel like Im hiding away from everyone, in not wanting to be confronted on the topics that make me feel uneasy about my self and my life. I read my last post and have moved on considerably since then thank goodness. Yet I still feel Im not being my true self or that I myself am not being true to myself in what I want to achieve in life. I think it was pretty premature of me to think that I could even contemplate having another baby just yet. It feels right in my heart because I yearn for my Ruby Girl, but then its not fair to conceal pain with joy just yet. I feel my healing process needs to be extended beyond a few years to even another year, just to be clear with myself that this is right. I want more than anything to marry the man I love so dearly, but I feel alienated from the me that created brilliant magic with words, art, fashion and nature that I dont really know that person anymore. How do you get that back, how do you in a sense step backwards 5 or so years and pick up where you left off? Still need that answer, still need the inspiration I guess. I feel I need a studio again, where my creative flair can once again be uplifted. I ideally need my own surroundings where I can be inspired by the way I decorate my house and place a piece of artwork in it. Where I have a place to show the world my wonderful tributes to our Vikki-Ann. I messed up one opportunity to do that and I cant gain that back yet. My confidence in my abilities has taken a downward spiral in a matter of years and Im slowly suffocating under the pressure of lies upon lies upon lies that is my life. I miss my three babies in New Zealand, despite their ages they are still my babies and I want them here with me. I feel once they are, one part of my life can have that closure of the guilt I feel in not being there for them. Not trying my hardest to find them and letting a man get away with having them and keeping them from me. Reflect it in artwork I think, allow my self to feel via a pen, pencil, words. Something that can help me in the long run.