WHY?

Why was I chosen to be an angel mum? I don't understand it, I'm angry that I havnt been given the answers as there's no-one to give me an answer. Was it because I didn't look after my body? Did I kill my star?
I read about so many angel mums bitching at one another, problems aired out in the open for all to see and speculate. How I see it is if life is shit because of what's been dealt to you then don't attention seek or abuse the networks you have and start venting in order to strike someones nerve.
Things at home are rocky and while our relationship is bliss and super supportive, outside factors are affecting us on a daily basis. Work is making cut backs in hours which is really straining the purse strings. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

May guidance be given to me and my family at this time, give us the strength to endure the obstacles that lay before us. Heal our hearts and souls during this time of need. In the name of our father, the mother, the holy spirit and the blessed angels

Amen!

TIME TO TRY

We have finally decided that we are now past the WTT stage and are making it official that we are TTC! So exciting and scary all in one and Im so proud of my darling in his efforts to want this too. It had to be a mutual decision and finally we are on the same track. Step one, full checkup for darling. He hasnt had a full medical carried out so now is the time. Good luck to us.

A NAME HONOURED IS A NAME REMEMBERED..

Welcome to 'The Makings Of You' a place where I honour the name of our star.  I firmly believe that 'A name honoured, is a name remembered' as often angels are left to the confines of our own personal surroundings and never shared with the world.  No matter how insignificant a person feels on this earth, or how little they feel they contribute to the world.  Everyone deserves to be recognised and acknowledged.  If you know my story or have read my Vikki-Ann's story, then you would understand my need and drive to give our star the respect she deserves here on earth. Join me on my journey in honouring your angels name and together we may find the healing we need.

INTERNATIONAL BABYLOST MOTHERS DAY

Dedicated to every Babylost Mother the world over. We have written about our day in our stars memory page.

VENT TWO

I received a very conceited message via Facebook from the father of my first family today. I give up trying to clear the air and get back on talking terms. It was before ANZAC day and well I thought I would do the decent thing. Shouldn't have even given it a thought and left the silence between us at that. It means I'm nowhere near any closer to seeing my children, than the day they left my life. It's red tape that allows a man to steal children out of the country and get away with it. Hague laws do not apply as there were no formal custodial applications made and legally he is their father. Sometimes you want to give up and let life be and maybe that's what I need to do. Let go! No what am I saying, that's not what a mother does. Certainly not a mother who loves and cares about her children. Just give up the getting upset factor and try again next time.

ANZAC DAY

It is a sombre day for me today, its today that we remember those who lost their lives and fought wars thousands of miles from home. Many were not even at the peak of their lives, when they enlisted to fight alongside the commonwealths as we know it today. Specially, I want to pay tribute to a man who I grew to love as I did my own father. Sidney John Maguire an Ex Malayan Veteran who lost his life on the 25th April 2006 at the Dawn Service Parade in Auckland, New Zealand. It was a day I will never forget and a day that I wished I didn't have to memorialise with a tragic loss. Even though you are no longer with us, you are and always will be one of the special men in my life.

SOWING THE SEEDS OF HOPE

Ive come across some truly inspiring mummy's over the past months and its unfortunate that we all have one common factor we share. Our losses have in some way crossed each others paths and collectively some truly heart warming work is taking place. We have each taken an aspect of our being and brought it forward to share with each other. Although I am yet to reveal mine, if reveal is the right word. I think more so get it out there. Once Ive worked out the advanced options of having a blog as in how to display what I have. My charity for Vikki-Ann is still in its production stages as are a few other projects.
The christening we attended on the weekend was excellent. Just what I needed to put myself back out in the world again. Ive shut myself off for so long, I'm sure people had wondered if I had gone to the moon and forgot to come back.
I had two biopsy's performed on Friday (My OH's 30th birthday day) It was the scariest thing Ive ever had to go through and unfortunately I went through it alone and with Vikki-Ann's twin sister Alyssa-Rose. OH had other priorities which didn't include my feelings or what I had been through and I felt truly alone and wanted to go home to New Zealand. I wanted my Dad, or anyone for that matter who would just allow me to be in their presence.

VENT

An all time yuk day today and it's ended with me feeling angry and repressed. So short and long there won't be much of a blog as I think its better left to a time I am better able to talk.

BEGINNINGS OF SOMETHING GOOD

I'm not sure why today is different than any other day, oh wait. It started at 3am, when baby girl decided to wake. No bottle and straight to bed, oh no bottle and stay up terrorising us with her kicks and prods and continuous moving around in our bed. Have to have a laugh now, it was pretty funny. Except when the daytime set in and OH was getting ready to leave for work, after realising it was late. Rush all around I tell you. BG spent a good 15 minutes crying for her daddy, looking under the unit door to see if his footsteps would return, sadly no. So it was just us two left to get ready for our day at the hospital. Arghh I so don't feel up to it. Stupid poking and prodding, blood tests, questions and then finally Immunity Treatment to end the session. NHL is so not my cup of tea. I'm left to sit and think and dream if such a thing exists in me anymore. I'm missing the friends Ive made on BnB, the only ones who understand where my heads at right now. The only ones I can relate similar pain from loss to. Thoughts of the day we lost her our Star, come floating back, especially the things we could have done as a collective family to memorialise her on her Angelversary.
It got me thinking about charity work again and how much I want to get involved somehow. So in a way today was eventful and positive in the fact that I was going to start a charity to memorialise our Star forever. I want her legacy to be remembered and to wipe the smirk off peoples faces when I do, for the fact they slandered my Stars name and memory and I wont sit back and let people victimise me like that. Another good distraction is a pending christening for two little boys. So my thought processes have been focused there as well. Healing is most certainly happening in my life, just my resentment towards my partners family has not helped. But I will prevail.

WELCOME TO MY FIRST BLOG

Apparently writing a blog is meant to be a method of healing and so today I start a blog. Lots of thoughts and experiences to share about the ups and downs of life..not just any life, but my life. I think this is an exercise pushed under the carpet or best kept at a minimum in terms of telling people how you really feel or see the world or your day. I personally have no time to read some one elses blog, unless I have a lesson to learn and for some unknown reason, I am directed to that blog or site for a reason. Are there laws that govern the content of a blog when you need to vent about something or someone? I mean I don't want to be slapped with a law suit over something Ive said in my blog. After all if that were the case, I would be better suited to seeing a psychiatrist or counsellor. Anyway, for what ever reason there is to write a blog, here is mine