I WANT THE EARTH TO OPEN UP AND TAKE ME

Cant believe that I have hit an all time low today, I want my mum and my baby..the two things that are not here on this earth I want..I want my babies, I need their cuddles and their love.  I want to cry but cant, its like im on the brink of a melt down and I dont know when its goin to get here.  Need to reach out.

UNINSPIRED BY MY BLOG DESIGN

I want to write all the time but I really dislike the look of my blog, I want to be able to get to my darlings page easily so I can update it all the time on my thoughts for her.  I just feel that I am leaving out the vital thoughts that take me closer to her.  Am considering having Franchesca from Little Bird Studio's design my blog which will include Soul Print and A Name Honored so I can get there in one click and have all my blogs looking professional and the way I love them.

THROAT WITH LUMPS

I find it easy consoling the pain of others, but when it comes to my own pain I am at a loss and feel alone.  I have flash back moments of the first time I bathed our baby and its evident in the photo's I have of her.  They way her body is evidently lifeless, the way her arms are draped at her sides, the way her legs are and it occurred to me how heartbreaking this photo is. I happened across ab photo similar belonging to an Angel family in New Zealand and I bare witness to the exact same image like that of our Vikki-Ann.  I felt for them with every inch of my soul, my eyes filled with tears and I was taken back, feeling their grief as I too had felt their grief.  I needed to focus my grief elsewhere so as not to let it engulf me or I would have been destined for despair again.  Ive got a stupid sore finger that has worked wonders in diverting any sadness and so far its working.  Touch wood. 

I WANT MY STUDIO

Im itching to have my studio alive and kicking, I have so much contained in my mind that its frustrating me that I feel so held back.  Its like I want more than anything to share my love with the ones that matter and the ones that need it.  Something please drop from the sky and lead me in the right direction

WORLD FILLED WITH FOOLS

Who in their right mind tells an Angel mum the loss of their angel was their fault.  What a crock of crap, where did they find their degree.  Certainly not the weetbix box because weetbix have better sense than that.  lets hope they never have to face that brick wall in their miserable life and lets hope that no-one ever tells them it was their fault.

Anger spot number two:  I replyed to a question that asked if Maori language should be made compulsory in schools and naturally I said yes.  Why? because Im Maori and its the indigenous language of the country so why shouldnt it be.  Ill tell you who, the nit wits that replied no it shouldnt be.  Well IMO you can get fucked, because before you come along thats all there was and we were forced into an education system that no only failed many but failed to identify some key learning strategies applicable to us.  Raaarrrrr!! 

UNTITLED POST

Its so difficult understanding how a parent feels when one day they are holding their precious babies and then the next they have grown their angel wings.  I can only comprehend the loss of a child the way I have these past two years.  If tears could make a path to heaven, I would cry a million more just to see you.

PLAYING CAT AND MOUSE

So today I decided to take the plunge and call the cell phone number of my ex husband and it rung, he answered and he didnt know who I was, so I had to remind him.  He hung up not once but twice the coward.  Then this afternoon he calls my house phone asking me what I wanted.  I took pleasure in reminding him that he has no right denying me the opportunity to talk to my kids and I didnt care.  I could tell by his voice that he was scared, if I was him i would be too.  He's gotten away with it for so long and now that I have him in my sights Im not going to back down, not one bit.  Ive contacted and spoken to a lawyer who has been very helpful and once I have the information I need and the deposit to pay her, i am going the full hog.  First i want access to my kids and then after that I want to have them here for holidays and there is nothing he can do about it.  Im not angry anymore, Im determined to see this through and Im determined that he is going to allow a right.  I just hope for my childrens sake that it doesnt get personal, messy and dirty.  if thats the approach that he is going to take then so be it, I will make no hesitations in pulling out all the stops.